


Limbic

by amoleofmonsters



Series: Fight Club AU [2]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fight Club Fusion, Depression, F/M, Fight Club - Freeform, Fight Club AU, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 20:23:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amoleofmonsters/pseuds/amoleofmonsters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes twenty-six days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Limbic

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys. Here's the long awaited sequel to the Fight Club AU. I spent a lot of time on this and it's not perfect, but it was getting to be ridiculous how much time I was devoting to it for what it was. At this point, there is a vast divergence from Fight Club canon, but I like to think that it's a good thing since I'm trying to make this AU my own thing. Feel free to tell me if I got anything wrong. I tried to research things to the best of my ability, but I'm no expert. There's going to be a part 3 that will wrap everything up with a perfect bow so stay tuned!

 

  
**lim·bic sys·tem**  
noun  
a complex system of nerves and networks in the brain, involving several areas near the edge of the cortex concerned with instinct and mood. It controls the basic emotions (fear, pleasure, anger) and drives (hunger, sex, dominance, care of offspring)

**day one.**

“Do you have a cell phone?”

The room I am in is white: the walls, the bed, the floor, the hospital gown. I stand in the middle, taking everything in. It all seems like a bad dream. The only color is my nurse’s hair: bright orange.

I think about it. I am pretty sure I left it in the apartment somewhere.

But I do not trust my memory anymore.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Well, my name’s Seijuurou. I’m going to be taking care of you. If you need anything, just ask.”

I nod. “Thank you.”

With Seijuurou gone, I sit on the bed and take in my environment. There are two beds in the room, the other one empty and unmade. A white board hangs on the wall with a date and Seijuurou’s name scribbled in the corner. A few feet away from the white board is a door to the bathroom.

Half an hour ago, I was with Makoto.

He will never forgive me and I do not blame him.

An hour ago I broke down in our kitchen. I cried myself raw and held onto him for dear life. When I was composed enough to stand, he helped me into his car and drove me to the hospital. The hospital staff took over and Makoto was gone.

I curl inward and fall into deep, troubled sleep.

 

**day two.**

A petite woman with curly brown hair and a warm smile stands in the doorway of my hospital room.

“Hello. I’m Dr. Amakata. I’m going to be taking care of you while you’re here. May I call you Haruka?” She walks in and sits in a chair on the opposite side of my bed.

I nod.

“Haruka, can you tell me what happened?”

“The guy who dropped me off didn’t tell you?”

“He did. I want to hear it from you.”

“I think I had a mental break down.”

“Why would you say that happened?”

“I’m not sure. Everything feels fuzzy. My memory feels like it has holes in it and I’m remembering things that I didn’t before. Things that I thought were real now might not be. I don’t want to believe that there’s something wrong with my head, but I think there is.”

“What are some of these memories?”

“Well, there’s this guy. His name’s Rin. I’ve been friends with him for a while. Since my third year of high school at least. But no one else seems to know who he is. Not even his sister, or my roommate who I thought he was dating.”

Dr. Amakata writes something down. “Anything else?”

“These memories are starting to appear in my head. I think they came with the mental breakdown. There are images of my parents being abusive, but my parents are good people. They wouldn’t ever hurt me. Not on purpose. And then… well…”

Dr. Amataka looks at me. Her expression is patient, calming.

I suppose there is no going back now. If any of it is true, that means that I hurt Makoto. I want to throw up, but my stomach is empty. I do not deserve to call him my best friend and I certainly do not deserve a relationship with him. I am a repulsive human being. Always have been.

My body shakes.

“I think I forced my roommate, my best friend in the whole world, to have sex with me. I don’t remember any of it, but I think it’s true.”

I feel hot tears bubble up and for the second time that day, I cry. The tears are hot and disgusting as they travel down my face. Dr. Amataka passes me a tissue box and I try to wipe them away, but more just appear.

“I hurt him. Not just once, but over and over again.

“I’m a monster."

“You’re not a monster. You’re just very very sick, but we can help you get better.” She leans over and pats me on the shoulder. “Do you want anything? I can send Seijuurou.” For the first time, I notice that my nurse is standing in the doorway.

I shake my head.

“Okay, well, why don’t I let you rest up a bit? You look tired. I think that’s enough for today.”

With that, she bids me goodbye and leaves.

“I’ll bring your dinner here tonight. But tomorrow you’ll be having breakfast with everyone else at eight o’clock.”

With that, Seijuurou follows Dr. Amakata out the door.

Exhausted, I lie down on the bed and sleep.

 

**day three.**

The linoleum of the sink feels cold under my hands. The room is spinning around me and I focus on trying not to topple over. That is easier said than done. A strong scent of urine and disinfectant has taken over my senses. There is bile in the sink. Even after puking, the nausea is still there.

I just want to lie down, to sleep. Coming to the bathroom had been a bad idea and I should have expected this of a hospital.

There is a knock on the door and I look up. Sweat cakes my face, making my bangs cling to my forehead. Dark bags hang under my eyes.

“Nanase, do you need any help?”

It is Seijuurou. He has probably been looking for me after seeing my empty room.

I nod. My mouth refuses to speak.

Seihuurou walks over and slings my arm over his shoulder. I lean on him as he helps me out of the bathroom and over to my bed. My head crashes onto the pillow.

“Do you need anything, Nanase? Water, perhaps?”

Words still fail me, but I nod.

I’m about to fall asleep when Seijuurou returns. He helps me sit up and tips the water into my mouth.

He leaves and finally I am able to sleep.

 

**day four.**

Rin still shows up. When I am alone, he comes into my room. He perches on my windowsill and laughs at me. His lips pull back, his sharp teeth appear, and a sense of dread travels up my spine.

“You’re not real. I know that now.”

“Are you sure, Haru? Are you really sure? Do you truly believe that?”

“Yeah. You’re just a figment of my imagination.” I can hear the doubt in my voice and so can he.

“How do you know? Maybe everyone is lying to you. Are you really gonna trust a bunch of doctors over me? How long have we been friends, Haru?”

“You made me hurt Makoto. I hate you.”

Rin frowns. “Don’t be like that. No one cares about you like I do. I’m just looking out for you, Haru.”

“Go away.”

“Those doctors really got to you, huh? Come on. I know what you need and shoving you into a looney bin isn’t it.”

“Go. Away.”

“Haru-“

“GO AWAY!”

The scream rips from my throat and it shocks me. It shocks Rin too because he disappears.

I hear footsteps down the hall. The doctors will be here soon.

 

**day five.**

They bring in a white-haired kid in the morning and plop him onto the bed next to mine. It cannot be any later than eight and I am desperately clinging to the remnants of sleep. The kid fidgets nervously as he looks everywhere around the room and it is annoying enough that I cannot fall back asleep.

“My name’s Nanase Haruka,” I say.

The kid sticks his finger in his mouth and bites down on his nail. Finally, he looks at me. He cannot be older than eighteen. “Nitori Aiichiro.”

I nod and roll over onto my side, assuming the conversation is over.

We stay quiet for a while until finally he says, “I had sex with some random girl and punched out her boyfriend. Then, I tried to jump off of a bridge. I couldn’t take the pressure of university and was failing all of my classes. I almost never slept. That’s really bad when you’re bipolar. Stuff like that, well, the best drugs can’t help you there. They had me sedated and pumped me full of stuff. Then they made me sleep. I feel better, but I guess I’m gonna be stuck here for a while. Gotta make sure I don’t go crazy again.”

I turn my head to look at him. “That really sucks,” I say. Then, “I raped my best friend and led an anarchist movement.”

Nitori whistles. “Wow.”

I think about what Dr. Amakata said. “You’re not crazy. You’re just really sick.”

Nitori smiles. “Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.”

 

**day six.**

Kou decides to come and visit. She brings cupcakes and plenty of smiles with her, instantly winning over many of the other patients with her cheery attitude. She doesn’t ask me about how I am doing. Instead, she tells me what is going one with her on the outside. She talks about a political science course she is taking and the details fly over my head, but she seems to enjoy it a lot. She says that the girls’ swim team welcomed her with open arms and although she is not even close to being one of the best, she has become really good friends with all of them.

Seijuurou walks in somewhere in the middle of Kou’s chattering. He says something about coming in to change the board, but stops dead in his tracks the minute he sees her. He plops down next to the two of us and says, “Hi there. I’m Mikoshiba Seijuurou, Nanase’s nurse. And you must be?”

Kou smiles at him. “I’m Matsuoka Kou. Nice to meet you. I hope you’re taking good care of my friend here.”

“I can assure you that I’m giving him the best care that I can. Nanase is in good hands. The best hands. I’m the best nurse around here.”

Kou giggles. “Really? Well, if that’s true, then I’m really worried for Haru. I don’t even want to think about how the other nurses are.” Seijuurou frowns, but before he is able to retort, she says, “I’m joking. I’m sure you’re very capable, Mikoshiba.”

“Please call me Seijuurou, ma’am.” His face is starting to match his hair.

Kou smiles and checks her watch. “Oh, I should go. I promised I would meet some of my friends for dinner.” She leans over and hugs me. “Bye, Haru. Bye, Seijuurou.”

“Let me see you out,” suggests Seijuurou and follows her. Kou smiles and lets him.

 

**day seven.**

Every so often, the patients have art class. A cheery faced woman is brought in and the dining hall is converted into a craft nightmare. Nurses walk around the room, checking up on us as we are told to draw to our hearts’ content. I am seated next to a light brown haired girl, her hair tied up in a high pony tail. She looks up at me and nods, but otherwise silently scribbles away.

The paper in front of me is blank. I have no idea what to draw. I used to draw and people said I was good at it, but I haven’t done it in some time.

Seijuurou notices my inactivity and slides up to me. “Need some help?”

“I don’t know what to draw.”

“What makes you happy, Nanase?”

I think about it. I realize I have not felt happy in a long time. High school. High school was definitely the last time I remember being remotely happy. Makoto and I would sometimes cut school and take day trips to the beach. There would be few people there. I would spend hours on end swimming in the murky water. Makoto would walk along the shore and dip his feet in, uneasy about going in. I knew he was scared of the ocean, yet he still insisted on coming with me every time.

I grip the pencil in my hand and start to sketch the outline of the shore. Seijuurou smiles and walks away. I add rocks. Dolphins leap up and over the waves. Seagulls ride the currents in the air. Finally, I draw Makoto standing up to his knees in the water. His features are second nature to me and they are sketched in with ease.

“He’s beautiful.”

I snap my head up. It is the brown haired girl. She is looking over my shoulder, her eyes wide in awe.

“Who is he?”

I shrug.

“Someone I once knew.”

 

**day eight.**

“I want you to have a MRI.”

“Why?”

“To check for signs of brain abnormalities. It might be the cause of what’s wrong with you. The medicine is meant to help your depression, but we still have other problems to worry about.”

Before I can blink, I am dragged into a wheel chair and pushed out of Dr. Amakata’s office by Seijuurou.

“You didn’t tell me you had such a cute friend, Nanase. Do you think that she will visit again?”

“I don’t know. Maybe,” I say halfheartedly. I am not really listening to what he’s saying anyway.

Seijuurou is about to say something else, but he is cut short by the fact that we have arrived at our destination. A smiling lab tech meets us and tells me to crawl into the big, bulky MRI machine. I follow the lab tech’s orders and lie down inside as still as possible. The machine starts to whirl above me. After a few minutes of loud clunking, it is over.

The tech tells me the results will be processed by tomorrow and Seijuurou brings me back to my room by way of wheelchair. I am left sitting on my bed alone. Nitori is nowhere to be seen.

 

**day nine.**

The following morning, Dr. Amakata walks into my room. It is the first time she has come to see me since the first day I arrived at the hospital; usually, I come to her office.

“We found a mass in your brain.”

I started at her in shock. “Does that mean I have cancer?”

“Not necessarily, but we need to remove it as soon as possible. I’ve scheduled a surgery four days from now.”

My world is crashing. I might have brain cancer?

Dr. Amakata leaves the room.

I am numb.

I do not leave the room for the rest of the day.

 

**day ten.**

I stay in my bed for as long as I can, but Nitori’s pestering gets to be a little much. To properly agitate me, he sits on the end of my bed and shuffles a deck of cards. He had asked Seijuurou to bring them to him and now he wants me to play. Finally, after a good half an hour of pestering, I sit up, flatten my hair, and grunt in compliance.

Nitori grins and passes me some cards.

Despite my reluctance, playing the game takes my mind off things. Nitori is cheerful and I find that I am enjoying myself. I think about what he told me on his first day here, and I have a hard time associating the boy he told me he was with the boy in front of me.

After I manage to obtain Nitori’s juicebox, I hear familiar laughter down the hall and look up. There is a knock on my door and it is Seijuurou with Kou trailing behind him. “You have a visitor.”

She hugs me and I detect the scent of lavender on her.

I did not know Kou wore perfume.

“Kou… I… uhh…”

She leans back. “What’s wrong?”

I try to smile, but I am not prone to it so I can tell by Kou’s face that it is incredibly unnerving. “I might have cancer.”

Her face contorts into one of horror and shock. “Cancer?”

“Brain cancer, yeah.”

She gives me another hug, but this time her grip on me is tighter.

Nitori coughs. I release Kou and turn to look at him. “Oh, Kou, this is Nitori Aiichiro. Nitori, this is Matsuoka Kou, my friend from high school.”

Kou smiles. “Nice to meet you.”

Nitori nods. “Poker?”

“Sure, I’d love to play.” Then she turns to look at Seijuurou. “Want to join us?”

It ends up with the four of us wedged around Nitori’s bed, playing Poker. Kou is the best out of all of us and cons us out of everything we have. In the middle of the game, the brown haired girl from art class walks in and joins in. I find out her name is Hanamura Chigusa. Kou beats her, too. Unfortunately, the only actual money that Kou ends up taking is Seijuurou’s because the rest of us have nothing.

After the game has run its course, Kou stands up. “I have to go. Oh, but I almost forgot.” She reaches into her bag and pulls out a box. “Makoto made you some mackerel.”

My head snaps up and my heart starts to beat fast. “Makoto?”

“Yeah. He figured you weren’t getting much of it so he sent some. It’s probably not warm anymore, but here you go.” She passes me the box and I gingerly take it from her.

With that, Kou leaves and Seijuurou walks out after her.

I open the box and take a bite.

It tastes like home.

 

**day eleven.**

Rin walks down the hallway towards me. He is smiling. It has been eleven days since I arrived at the hospital and Rin still follows me everywhere I go. He is always in the background. Usually I can ignore him, but sometimes he needs to get my attention.

Like today. Like now.

“I heard you are trying to get rid of me, Haru. But you can’t get rid of me. I’m always going to be a part of you.”

I say nothing and just continue walking.

“You know, I may have been the one to hold down Makoto and make him cry, but it was your desires that led me there. You loved it. You loved his little screams, didn’t you?”

I walk faster.

“You loved it. It made you so hard. Nothing got you off quite like his screams.”

“Shut up.”

“You think you can cut me out of your head? Well, I’ll always be there. I am what you really want.”

I turn around and punch him, but all I hit is air.

 

**day twelve.**

Sometime after lunch, I hear a loud voice and I am tackled to the ground. I start struggling, ready to call for help.

Then I realize who it is.

“Nagisa?”

I have not seen Nagisa in months. Last I heard, he and Rei were traveling around the world. There was an entire drawer in my apartment of their postcards.

But if Nagisa is here, then that means…

Sure enough, when I look up, there is Rei. He looks self-assured and laid back, completely different from the stressed out worrier that I knew in high school. He has this golden hue about him that is not just from the tan he is sporting.

“Haru! Mako said you were in the hospital and we had to come visit!” cries Nagisa. He steps back, a look of concern etched onto his face and he is sporting a matching tan. I realize then that he is almost as tall as me. My friends have changed drastically and I do not know how I feel about it, but they look good.

“It’s no big deal, Nagisa. I’m just a little sick, but the doctors said I’m going to get better.”

“We should have written more. I’m sorry, Haruka.” This time, it is Rei who speaks.

“Come on. Let’s find somewhere to sit,” I say, leading them into the dining hall. There is just a few people milling about, mostly the cleaning crew. We sit down at one of the tables.

“Haru, why are you here? What happened?” asks Nagisa.

I sigh. I do not want to talk about it, but I know I have no choice.

“I was depressed. Like, clinically depressed. Like, so depressed I dropped out of college. I was also getting these massive hallucinations and I was doing stuff I couldn’t remember. Terrible stuff. I still don’t know exactly what I did.”

Nagisa and Rei look at each other.

Then, Nagisa gets weepy and as always, Rei follows suit.

“I’m sorry, Haruka.”

“Haru, we’re terrible friends.”

I shake my head. “It’s not your responsibility to keep up with my life. You guys were traveling. Of course you didn’t think about me.”

“Are they treating you properly here?” says Rei. He looks guilty and worried.

“Yeah, I mean they have me on these pills. They help. I don’t really feel as depressed anymore, but they think I might have brain cancer.”

“BRAIN CANCER?” Nagisa stands up and stares at me in horror. The few people in the room turn to look at us. I motion for him to sit down. Rei’s face is red from embarrassment, but he is sporting an adoring smile.

When Nagisa is resettled, I say, “They found a lump in my brain, but it might be nothing. Might explain the hallucinations, though. I’m going into surgery tomorrow.”

“SURGERY?” Nagisa screams again and this time it is Rei who shushes him.

“You should have told us sooner.”

“Haru, you might die!”

“Nagisa, don’t say that!”

“Die?” I say. Suddenly, I begin to internally panic.

“Yeah. Rei said that brain surgeries have a high chance of death.”

“Nagisa, don’t say that! I’m sure Haruka knows! All you’re doing is freaking him out.”

I swallow thickly. “I better go.”

They call after me as I run out of the room, but I ignore them.

My thoughts are rushing through my head a mile a minute.

I might die tomorrow?

I was not thinking about it. All I had been thinking about was the cancer, but Rei is right.

I might die tomorrow.

My ankle gives out and I fall onto the ground. I cry out. Sobs wrack my body. My crying is messy and I curl in on myself. My face presses against the cool tile of the floor. I feel fear, soul crushing fear.

I might die tomorrow.

I am not okay with that.

I think of Makoto and how I never told him I was sorry.

I cry harder.

 

**day thirteen.**

The nurses come for me a few hours before dinner. They sit me down in the bathroom and slide a razor across my scalp. I watch my hair drop onto the floor around me. I force myself to feel nothing, but when that fails, I bite back the tears.

When they finish, I am pushed onto a gurney and wheeled out of my room. Seijuurou walks with me to the operating room and tells me everything is going to be okay. I try to believe him, I really do, but it is hard.

We enter the room and I am surrounded by people. An IV is shoved into my arm. Slowly, my consciousness begins to fade.

My last thought is of Makoto.

I love Makoto Tachibana. I love him more than anyone else. And I would do anything for him.

But I hurt him. And I am scum.

 

**day fourteen.**

I awake to white. Instantly, I think I am dead. There is too much white. I am in heaven, dancing with angels.

But then I remember I am in a hospital. On further inspection, I realize I am in a hospital room. It is not the one I share with Nitori, but it is a hospital room.

This means I am alive.

A familiar voice calls my name. I look up. It is Seijuurou, and he is smiling.

“Welcome back, Nanase.”

“Where am I?”

“SICU. Can’t have you back in the psychiatric ward so soon after surgery, but you’ll probably be moved back there in a few days.”

“Shouldn’t you be there? In the psychiatric ward, I mean?”

“Your surgeon figured you’d want to see a familiar face when you woke up. I’ll be taking care of you personally until you go back.”

He is right. I feel at ease with him here, much more than if it had been a complete stranger.

I lift my hand and touch my head. There is a bandage wrapped around it and where the bandage is not, I feel my bare skin. It is strange not to feel my hair, but it will grow back.

“What are the results?”

“They don’t have them yet, but I’m sure it’ll only be a little while. I’ll let you get some rest.”

Seijuurou leaves and I frown. I cannot help but question why he would think I need rest after being unconscious for so long.

I fall asleep within minutes.

 

**day fifteen.**

I wake again and I am not sure what time it is, but my stomach growls. I ring the call bell and Seijuurou is there within minutes.

“Nanase, you’re awake!” he says, flashing me his signature smile.

“Could I get something to eat?”

“Sure, no problem. You must be starving. You haven’t eaten in more than a day. Oh, your results are back. I’ll get you some food and then I’ll get Dr. Amakata.”

With that, Seijuurou ducks out. There is a bounce to his step.

Ten minutes later, Seijuurou returns with one of the hospital’s lunches. It is as gross looking as usual, but I tuck into it with vigor. It tastes like the best thing I have ever eaten.

Dr. Amakata arrives a few minutes later, clip board in hand.

“So your results. Well, the tumor is benign which means you don’t have cancer.” Seijuurou gives me a smile and a thumbs up behind her. “It was pressing down on various parts of your brain responsible for memory and vision, but all of your problems regarding that should now clear up. We’ll keep monitoring you for a while to make sure you don’t actually have cancer, but you’re going to be just fine.”

I stare at her in shock. I am going to be okay? My heart starts to beat fast. No way. It is too good to be true.

“So this means I can leave the hospital? That I’m totally cured?”

“Well, no. We want to keep you here for monitoring some more, but if everything goes well, you should be out of here by the end of the month.”

I feel the edges of my mouth tugging up and I let it happen. I am smiling, a true, genuine smile. I do not remember the last time I did that, but it feels good.

Seijuurou mirrors my smile and says, “You know, Nanase? I think you should smile more. It looks good on you.”

 

**day sixteen.**

I discover that the SICU is a lot more boring than expected. There is not much to do other than sit in my room. The guy in the bed next to mine cannot talk since there is a breathing tube down his throat. I end up watching TV, but that provides little entertainment value.

I know without a doubt that Rin is gone. I try calling for him, once, twice, three times, but he does not appear. He is gone, truly gone. It feels like a giant bolder has been lifted from my shoulders.

Kou briefly comes to visit again. She gentle rubs the top of my bald head, refusing to believe my hair is gone, but I can tell that she is happy that I am alive. In her arms is a basket of muffins and the two of us split it with Seijuurou.

When she leaves, Seijuurou says, “On your last day, I want to ask her out to dinner, but I’m not going to do that if you don’t want me to.”

“I think you should. She likes you. I think you can make her happy.”

Seijuurou smiles and there is a light blush coloring his cheeks. “So you think I have a chance with her?”

I shake my head in disbelief at his question. “Are you really asking me that?”

“No, I suppose that was stupid.”

 

**day seventeen.**

At the end of the day, they move me back to the psychiatric ward. The surgery wounds have not fully closed, but there is very little reason to keep me in the SICU. When I enter my old hospital room, I find Nitori and Hanamura playing cards on my bed. They turn to look at me with big smiles and drag me over to join their game. Hanamura brushes her fingers against my scalp and says, “You’re hair was so pretty. I miss it.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll grow back.”

She giggles. “That’s true.”

“I think he looks pretty cool. It’s like he’s just returned from battle,” says Nitori.

I feel empowered by Nitori’s words. In a way, I did fight a battle and I am a survivor. It is not over yet, but the hard part is.

I fall asleep that night with a smile on my face.

 

**day eighteen.**

Dr. Amakata calls me into her office. I sit down across from her and she studies me. I know she is looking at my bandages.

“You’re not having any complications, are you?”

“No, ma’am. I feel a lot better actually. I don’t see him anymore.” She knows I am talking about Rin.

“That’s good. That’s really good.” She pauses to write something down. “I actually wanted to talk to you about your parents today.”

“My parents?”

“I want to know about your childhood.”

I know very well that over the course of my stay, I had been avoiding the topic of my parents. I do not want to think about them. I still want to believe that they are good people, that they would never mistreat me. I want to believe that they had nothing to do with this, but I know that is not true. Ever since the surgery, my memory has started to return and I know the abuse is most likely real.

“They expected perfection from me. They wanted a perfect son with perfect grades who was the star athlete and the student council president and everything else in between. But when it was obvious I wasn’t perfect, that I pretty much sucked at school and that the only sport I was good at was swimming, they more or less rejected me. No longer was I their hopes and dreams, but their biggest failure.

“My mother liked to get violent. She tried hitting my dad a few times, but when she realized he was stronger and wouldn’t let her get away with it, she turned to me. I still have scars from her, actually. One time, when I was five, she punched me so hard I lost two of my baby teeth. My dad wasn’t physically abusive, but every day was a constant reminder of how much of a failure I was. Not a minute would go by that he wouldn’t reprimand me. I cried at first, and I then I started to believe him.”

I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what I was about to say.

“Makoto lived next door and if I wasn’t so fucked up, I think our lives would have turned out as a simple childhood best friend story. Maybe we would have been the kind of best friends to end up each other’s best man, the type to plan random outings every weekend to do random manly things. Hell, maybe we would have even ended up together. I don’t know. All I know is that Makoto was the only one that knew about what my parents did, and I refused to let him tell anyone. Sometimes, I would stumble to his house, and he would bandage up my cuts and bruises and kiss them better.”

By this point, I am crying.

“And like the idiot that I am, I fell in love with him.”

 

**day nineteen.**

Even though Rin is gone, he still plagues my nightmares. He is always there, in the back of my brain, but I do not have to fear him anymore. I am free from him forever.

They remove the bandage from my head and in the mirror, I can see that the wound is quickly healing. My hair is slowly starting to grow back and I can feel the stubble on my fingers.

I feel better than I have in months, maybe years.

Today is art class day and I sit next to Hanamura as I have in the past. I see her sketching a fluffy little dog and she explains that it is her puppy, the one at her parents’ house. She really misses him and she wants to get better so she can see him again.

I am about to compliment her drawing when she says, “You know, I never told you my story. You told me yours, but it isn’t really fair that you haven’t heard mine.”

I do not remember ever sharing with her, but I must have at some point. I am not ashamed, and I am not going to hide from what happened so it is perfectly fine that she knows.

She takes a deep breath and prepares herself to speak. I give her my full attention.

“I’ve been dealing with gender dysphoria for a while now. You probably can’t tell since I’m lucky for having been born with feminine features, but I’m transgender. I was born male, but I’m female. When I started transitioning, the kids in my school wouldn’t leave me alone. The bullying was terrible. I have been dealing with depression for a while because of my gender dysphoria, but it only got worse with the bullying. So one day I took a bunch of pills, and my parents found me passed out in my room. I was dragged to the hospital, had my stomach pumped, and here I am.”

I did not know what to say. A simply sorry seamed cheap, but, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m happier here than I am at school, anyway. Once I get out, I’m going to college. I like to believe people aren’t as terrible there, but even if they are, they won’t know I’m not a biological girl if I don’t tell them.”

I decide to draw her. Instead of her crummy hospital gown, she is in a long, flowing dress. I make her as feminine as I can and she looks absolutely stunning. I know that Hanamura is beautiful already, but outside of these hospital walls, she must be gorgeous.

I give her the drawing after signing it with, “To the prettiest girl in the world, Hanamura. Your friend, Haru.” Her smile encompasses her entire face as she accepts the gift.

“Nanase, if you weren’t gay and madly in love with that Makoto boy, I would make you my boyfriend in a heartbeat. But at the very least, call me Chigusa.”

I lean over and erase “Hanamura” from the drawing, replacing it with “Chigusa.” “Only if you call me Haru.”

She nods.

It is a promise.

 

**day twenty.**

As I am walking to dinner, Nitori stops me. “Nanase, I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“You’re being released?”

“Yeah, so I just wanted to say good-bye, and thanks for being my friend these few weeks. We should hang out at some point outside of these walls so look me up when you get out, okay?”

I nod. “Thanks for everything, Nitori.”

I extend my hand for him to shake and he takes it, but drags me into a hug instead. He steps back and then turns to walk away. “I’ll see you around. Oh, and it’s Aiichiro, got it?”

I wave and grin. “Bye, Aiichiro! See you around.”

 

**day twenty-one.**

Dr. Amakata smiles at me from behind her desk and says, “Your trial has been set to four days from now. Assuming you are pardoned, you’re free to go after that.”

I blink. This cannot be real. “I’m free?”

“Well, you’d be an outpatient and so you’d be expected to come in for periodic checkups, but yes, you would no longer have to live here. Someone would need to come pick you up when you leave, of course.”

I am going to be able to leave. I am going to be able to see the outside world. There is so much I want to do and see. I am not sure what yet, but I have time to figure it out. I think of Makoto, but I shove the thought to the back of my mind. It is for the best if I never see him again.

“Thank you, Doctor. You don’t know how much this means to me. I could never thank you enough.”

“Just win your trial, Haruka. That’s thanks enough.”

 

**day twenty-two.**

My hospital room feels a lot emptier without Aiichiro and I try to spend as much time as I can outside of it. Much of that time is spent with Chigusa and Seijuurou who are overjoyed at the news that I might be let free. I slip Kou’s phone number into Seijuurou’s pocket and tell him to call her once I get out. He grins and hugs me. He has to wait three days, but I know he can do it.

My hair has started to grow back. There is a layer of prickly fibers overlaying my scalp and I cannot help but run my fingers through it every so often.

For the first time in my life, things are looking up.

A fussy-faced lawyer comes in the afternoon. Dr. Amakata grants us the use of her office. He begins asking me questions and I tell him everything. I leave nothing out, no matter how much I want to, and I can tell this pleases him.

He promises he will try to win me the case and then leaves.

 

**day twenty-three.**

I end up making my own phone call to Kou. The phone rings for a while, but she picks it up in the end. “Hi, it’s Kou Matsuoka!”

“Hey, Kou.”

“Haru! What’s up?”

“Not much. I’m being released in two days, pending I’m not arrested after my trial.”

“Haru! That’s great news! I’m sure everything will be okay. It was all Rin’s fault, right? And Rin’s gone.”

“Well, if I am free, I’m going to need someone to pick me up. Can you do it?”

There is a pause on the other end. “Well, I guess since I’m already going to be there, but shouldn’t you ask someone else?”

“You’re going to be there?” I ignore the second part.

“Well, of course. I wouldn’t miss the trial for the world. Honestly, even if I wanted to miss it, I can’t because I’m a witness for it. But are you sure you want me to pick you up?”

“Of course, Kou. Who else? I’ll see you then!” I can her start to say something in retort, but I hang up before she can finish.

 

**day twenty-four.**

Seijuurou walks into my hospital room with a bag on his shoulder, a smile on his face, and a jump to his step. He passes the bag into my arms and steps back. Inside the bag is a suit and a beanie which exactly what I want.

“Thank you, Seijuurou,” I say, turning to look at my nurse with a smile.

“Don’t thank me. Just don’t get yourself locked up tomorrow, okay? That’s all the thanks I need.”

“Yeah, well, either way, I’m not coming back so I guess this is good-bye.”

“Don’t get all emotional on me, Nanase. I will see you on the outside. Count on it.” With that, Seijuurou is gone and I am left to my own devices.

I finger the suit between my fingers tentatively. I cannot remember the last time I wore one of these. Most likely it was in high school. I peal the hospital gown off of my shoulders and let it pool at my feet. I shrug the cotton shirt over my shoulders and button it close. The pants follow after and then the jacket. Finally the tie is around my neck. In the bathroom, I study myself. I look a lot thinner than I remember and there’s a fresh scar peeking through what is left of my hair. I am not the guy who came in almost a month ago, but maybe that is a good thing.

On the bed, there is still the beanie. I pop it on my head and finally, it is complete. The scar, a testament to Rin and all he stood for, is gone. Out of sight and out of mind.

I am not Matsuoka Rin.

My name is Nanase Haruka. I struggled and I won.

No matter what happens tomorrow, I won.

 

**day twenty-five.**

My lawyer arrives to take me to the courtroom. Seijuurou sees us out of the hospital and watches me crawl into the car. He stands there and follows us with his eyes as we leave.

The ride feels much longer than it most likely is and it is spent in relative silence. My lawyer tells me last minute pointers about the trial and I nod in return. When he realizes I am not one to do small talk, he turns on the radio and the music drowns out the quiet.

When we arrive, cops meet us to lead me in. Reporters flock around the entrance of the building, calling questions out to me. My lawyer hisses, “Don’t say anything.” I keep my mouth shut and refuse to make eye contact with any of them. When we make it inside, it is much quieter and I feel relieved to be out of the chaos. I am led into a courtroom and told to sit down next to my lawyer. Eventually, three judges enter the room and sit down behind the bench. My lawyer stands up and begins to plead my case. Pretty soon, the first witness is called to the stand and it is Dr. Amakata.

“You are Mr. Nanase’s doctor, correct?”

“Yes, I am.”

“And why was he your patient?”

“He came into the hospital claiming that he was hallucinating and was losing pockets of his memory. He also presented with symptoms of depression and was brought in after a mental break down. I was assigned to treat him.”

“What was he diagnosed with?”

“As expected, I diagnosed him with depression and he was given appropriate medication to treat it. As for the rest of his symptoms, there was a non-cancerous tumor pressing against his hippocampus and it was impeding his ability to maintain much of his memory. Most of his lost memory was manifesting itself in an alter personality that Nanase referred to as “Rin”. Rin was much more violent and angry than Nanase is. Something like this is typically what you would call dissociative identity disorder, but Nanase’s case was different. After we removed the tumor, his memory returned and the Rin personality disappeared. Most DID cases do not present this way and surgery usually can’t cure it. However, in Nanase’s case, it is clear that the tumor was the cause of Rin and the memory loss.”

“How does Nanase Haruka typically behave?”

“He’s a very quiet but thoughtful guy. When he first arrived, he was fairly withdrawn, but ever since we started him on the anti-depressants, he’s livened up quite a bit and has made friends with some of our staff and other patients. I’d say he’s very friendly once you get to know him.”

“Did you ever speak to Rin?”

“A few times. We brought him out in therapy sessions. It’s a typical DID treatment.”

“And how does Rin behave that’s different from Nanase?”

“Rin is a lot more prone to violence. He’s cocky and threatened me more than once. He’s very loud and in your face, too. I have yet to see Nanase ever get violent, even when angered. It’s like you’re speaking to two different people, but that’s because you are.”

“That is all.”

 

**day twenty-six.**

The trial ends up dragging into a second day. During the first day, various people were brought forward as witnesses. Some of them were from the Fight Club. It seemed weird to see them, but there they were. There was moldy cheese guy and my boss from the DVD store. And there were people who I had never met before; a Burger King employee who said I vandalized the restaurant, a hardware store owner who saw Rin and some of the Fight Club guys buying supplies, and other people. Kou was there, too, and she flashed me an “everything is going to be okay” smile.

Today, the judge stands up, clears his throat, and calls out a name.

“Tachibana Makoto, to the stand.”

Instantly, I freeze.

I see him inch into my line of vision. He is nervous; I can tell by the way his eyebrows are turned upward. He looks tense and he has not been sleeping well. He is pressed into a nice suit. It looks good on him.

There is a pang in my chest as I realize how much I have missed him. It has been more than three weeks since I had last seen him and it is the longest either of us has spent apart from each other.

After this trial, it will be much longer.

Makoto sits down at the witness stand and recites the oath. He looks out over the crowd, but his eyes refuse to meet mine.

“Tachibana, how long have you known Nanase?”

“It feels like all my life, honestly. I can’t give you an exact year, but we probably met when we were about three years old. We were neighbors.”

It feels so good to hear his voice again.

“What’s your current relationship with him?”

“I’m not sure at the moment, but we’ve always been very close.”

Guilt swam in my gut.

“You two live together, right?”

“Yes, we’re roommates.”

“Has he ever gotten violent?”

“That’s a complicated question.”

This was all my fault.

The lawyer smiles. “Please answer it.”

Makoto runs his fingers along his jawline. It is a nervous habit. “Sometimes, but it was really weird. He’d get controlling and would hit me, but it wouldn’t seem like it was him. It was like he was a completely different person. Later, when I’d try to talk to him about it, he’d be back to his normal self and wouldn’t have any idea what I was talking about. And sometimes he’d mumble on about this guy named Rin who I’d never met. It was really weird.”

This was all my fault.

With Makoto being the last witness, the court falls into closing statements. I ignore them, my thoughts completely devoted to Makoto. Dear, sweet Makoto who showered me in love and deserved the world, but all I could give him was pain and suffered. It is probably for the best that I never see him again.

The court breaks and the jury goes to decide my fate. I sit next to my lawyer and my emotions threaten to bubble over. I suppress them to the best of my ability, something that has gotten to be a lot harder recently. I want to cry – for myself or for Makoto I do not know – but this was not the time or place. I pull my beanie down over my eyes and pretend I am anywhere but here. I am swimming in the ocean next to a deserted island, the water cascading over me. I am free, with no purpose other than to glide along the current without a care in the world.

Pretty soon, everyone is called back into the courtroom. We all stand as the judge returns. He looks around the courtroom and begins to speak.

“On the charge of conspiracy, this court finds the defendant, Nanase Haruka, not guilty.”

I bite my lip.

“On the charge of arson, this court finds the defendant, Nanase Haruka, not guilty.”

My eyes grow wide. The world slows down.

“You’re free to go.”

I stand up and watch as people begin to file out of the courtroom. It is over. I am free to go. I do not know where to go or what I will do, but I am free. It all feels unreal and I smile. It is a true smile, splitting across my face. Tears prickle at my eyes. I am happy, truly happy, the happiest I have been in years.

I follow the crowd outside, one of the last people to leave. My lawyer left without a word and I suppose that is fine. I have nothing to say to him anyway. I start looking for Kou, hoping she remembered our arrangement.

Suddenly, a voice calls out my name. “Haru!”

I spin around. Makoto is running towards me at full speed down the hall, flapping his arms madly and ruining his hairdo that he probably spent all morning slicking back. He reaches me, wraps his arms around my waist, and hoists me up into the air. He twirls me around, laughing, as I cling onto him for dear life and feel so very confused.

He finally puts me down and stares at me like it is Christmas come early. We are both breathing hard and he has this infectious, goofy smile on his face. I want to kiss him, but I resist.

“Makoto, what was that?” I splutter out instead.

“I missed you! And I’m here to take you home.”

“What? But Kou- Kou was supposed to take me home.” It is probably not the best thing I should be saying, but it is the only thing that I manage to squeak out. I still cannot believe Makoto is standing in front of me. I have dreamed of this moment for weeks now, but now that it is here, I do not know what to say.

Makoto clasps my hand. “She called and told me that I should be the one to come get you.” Then, his expression falters. “Unless, you didn’t want me to come. If that’s the case, I understand.”

I stare at him, wide eyed. “No, of course not. It’s just- shouldn’t you hate me?”

Makoto cocks his head to the side. It is adorable. “Hate you?”

“Well, I sort of… you know…” I still cannot say it. I break eye contact as shame bubbles up. I cannot look him in the eye. I do not deserve to.

“Haru, I was never angry at you, okay? I could never hate you. That doctor lady said it herself. That wasn’t you. It was Rin and you’re not Rin. Rin’s gone.” He pauses. “Rin is gone, right? That wasn’t a lie, was it?”

I slowly look back at Makoto. “No, Rin’s gone.” The words taste like victory on my lips and I still cannot help feeling proud as I say it. “But if you weren’t mad at me, why didn’t you come visit me while I was in the hospital?”

A light blush colors Makoto’s cheeks. “I figured you’d want some space away from me. That was probably stupid to assume, huh? But Rin’s gone and that’s what matters, right? I’m sure there’s a lot we have to talk about, but I’m not mad at you. How could I be? I love you. I just hope you’re not mad at me.”

My eyes are dinner plates. “Love me?” I whisper. This is some sort of joke, right?

Makoto’s blush deepens. “Of course I love you. I’ve been in love with you for most of my life. I don’t want anyone else. You’re it for me, Haru.”

The tears at the corner of my eyes are back. Instead of releasing them, I stand up on my toes, wrap my arms around Makoto’s neck, and kiss him. Makoto kisses back and it feels familiar yet foreign all at the same time. He tastes like happiness and warmth and everything I could have ever wanted. I do not know how I got this lucky, but Makoto’s here and I never want to let him go.

“I love you, too,” I whisper against his lips. I can feel him grinning back.

“Let’s go home.”


End file.
